today is super sad. with a hint of happiness (b/c im done with finals… yes!!)
its raining outside, in the middle of june
my roommate is gone… im sitting in a half-empty dorm room. i miss her
im gonna have to move out soon, too. i’m gonna have to start packing asap. but not now
moving out means being separated from some amazing friends for a ridiculously extended period of time
im just… sad the year is over. really, REALLY sad.
it was an interesting year. started off quite emotional, a lot of people i know died. its weird. i mean, i wasn’t really close to them, but just the fact that it happened is enough to shed a tear
i was engrossed with a need to leave the country, that wish has been granted, gladly
got a new job.
had some surprises during winter quarter..
had my bike stolen, and tore my heart out at the same time. found it again after crying in front of a policeman. i will never forget his face.
learned to hate silberberg but love the Jew in him.
found out that i need a kitchen after not having one for months.
learned to be less selfish.
rekindled my love of letters
took too many pictures of dew drops and flowers.
ripped a monkey pinata to shreds… with my bare hands
i learned that some situations just aren’t fair. and that getting to the right place sometimes feels like ripping off a bandaid from your arm
i learned what it meant to be treated correctly. and what a good friend looks like, and what a good man looks like
i learned to be straight forward and bold.
i learned i love the beach, the ocean, a lake… anything water.
oh i dont know what to do with myself. i just want to rewind for a bit to March, maybe February… and just be there. no more, no less
i guess i just gotta smile because it happened, not be sad because its over.
next year is going to be equally fantastic. im living in a house, with 8 (maybe 7 ) amazing girls
who knows what will happen next year. i have my goals. i had my goals for this year… some of which didn’t happen, some did.
hope you had a brilliant year.
keep in touch over the summer.
xo
marsha
Filed under: feelings
its nice to have someone to talk to who understands you because they’ve been in your shoes. that they do the same things, they understand part of you, and how part of you works. its great.
i feel like im such a complicated individual. i really do. i can’t put everything i think, feel, hear, etc… into words. i can’t express it to other people… is that bad? should i be able to do that? i want to… for the most part. but some of it i think is meant to stay inside me and be only understood by God. and sometimes i don’t even understand it.
does a complication turn people off? i dunno… maybe i don’t express myself because i just don’t know how to say it. maybe im an extrovert and introverted tendencies. thats how to explain myself.
im a private person. i didnt know that until about half a week ago. it was a weird epiphany. i know maybe you think “gee, marsha… you say EVERYTHING on your blogs”. dude, these are only my thoughts from my head… not my heart. i wouldn’t ever DREAM of putting my heart on here. i just don’t like feeling vulnerable in front of humans. i guess God is the only person i can completely bare my soul to. i mean. i have been vulnerable to others, but a VERY selected bunch. you know who you are, and i love you for it. it takes me a long time. and a long time to say how i feel and decipher what i should say.
three times its happened… one every year since junior year of high school. and its scaring me so much.
why do people have to die at such a young age? its ridiculous.
look. to me, the worst thing you could do is make fun of someones morals or beliefs. i mean, its happened to me. recently. and it hurts.
im christian, and i know that christians get persecuted all the time. and i will respect the morals of others even if they aren’t right to me. but honestly, the worst thing is to try and get someone to do something that goes against what their morals are.
i was at outdoor adventure (which is when we take a group of freshmen out to the wilderness and they have fun…) and there was this guy Vance who was the facilitator. probably the most “zen” guy i have ever met. he has the story of the karate kid from those movies. i.e. he trained under this super old guy in china for a couple years, and learned this qhi gong thing. sorry if i didnt write that correctly. anyways, we wanted him to do this tightrope walk he claimed he could do in 30 seconds. i took us an hour to get across. we kept telling him “do it, pleaaaaassse!” at the end of our stay he told us “sorry, i dont want to do it… its just against my spiritual beliefs. i feel like im showing off when i do it…”
thats when i let off.
usually, morals are what build a person. where they have their foundation, and when someone comes to rock that foundation, thats just NOT FAIR.
however, my job is to work hard to be sure that my morals and i am close enough with God to withstand those who come to shake it. and i have been able to. and thats it. my conclusion.
xo
marsha
now i remember why i enjoyed living in the dorms so much. people leave you alone. you don’t have someone around you alllll the time. telling you to do things, being mad at you if you didn’t do something, talking at them and feeling like they don’t hear you, telling them you understand when they act like they don’t understand that you understand, talking at the wrong times….
i mean, there are many perks to living at home. more perks than downfalls, but when i find the things that i don’t like i guess i cling to them a little too much.
AGGGHHHH. i need to go do something. the sun isnt out, its all cloudy so there won’t be any beach for me.
thats another thing. its so easy to get away from what is bothering you at school. here, i mean, i can walk down the street, but i honestly don’t want to stare at construction machines and nature being demolished to make way for human existence. as well as my favorite climbing tree being cut down. boo.
at school, i can walk to a cafe, get a coffee, and just sit and watch people walk by. interesting people. people who don’t talk to you, they just walk and mind their own buisness.
but you know, i have to convict myself of my wrong doings. yesterday i heard a sermon about how we are too motivated by what we “feel” like doing. feelings are our driving force. and thats stupid. because what we feel like isnt what is good for us and those around us. and its SO SO hard to not do what we feel like, especially when what we FEEEL like isn’t right.
woe is me.
xo
marsha
