como te va?

I don’t even know where to start. I think thats a good thing

I went away to one of those retreat things. Ya know, where Christians go and get pumped up about Jesus, get changed for a weekend, then come back and settle back in to the way things used to be. Actually, not really. I’d say the changes I experienced this weekend are SO much more than emotions that make you jump up and down, fall on your face and cry…. whatever. I mean, theres something special about when there is something that you have been searching for, or something feels empty and then suddenly, you get it!

I should stop being so cryptic and just explain what happened. Two main things. One, still unresolved because it takes further action…

So, I’m pretty much positive that I’m called to go international after I graduate. What I mean by that… leave the country. Yesh. I really don’t know how long or where, with who, where, or how. Heck, I might get there and only be there for a year. Or, I could get there and find that its where God’s ultimate purpose for my life is and live there forever. That last one scares me. But, Jesus is my adventure.

During one of the talks at the retreat, I sat there in my seat and thought about why I’m at the UW… I basically questioned why I am here, and what if I’m just so far out of God’s will… that I’m just bound to be a failure. My mind was racing, and the same thing just kept spinning in my head. Then, Vicky, the speaker started talking about how her mother didn’t support her at all in her mission to Compton Community College… Basically, her mom didn’t want her to go away on mission. But Vicky still went, good girl Long story short, her mom was transformed through the decision that Vicky made to go on mission even though her family didn’t support her fully. Now, her mom helps parents let their kids go on mission fields. Vicky talked about how loving your family doesn’t mean staying home and being around… but there’s even something bigger than family in this life. Jesus Christ.

That’s something that I struggle with, a lot. I’m so worried to go where God takes me because I don’t want my family to feel deserted. Especially since I can count the amount of family members I have in Washington on one hand, (3, not including me). It does feel lonely, it really does. Sometimes, I pray that the man I marry has a huge honkin’ family so that I can experience that, and have huge Christmas parties.  Anyway. Then, Vicky looked down at her notes and said “Whoa… I’m totally off of my notes…” She paused, and continued. I realized for that moment, that her mom’s testimony and miss Vicky going off of her sermon notes was totally for me… When she said that, it centered my purpose and my calling… I went from having a mind full of doubts of who I am in God and where the heck I’m supposed to be, to having such a huge affirmation on my calling and right now, I don’t see anything stopping me. Its such a great feeling.

Honestly, it even says in Luke “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple.” I mean, I’m not going to hate my life or my family… but it’s just a way to say that as disciples of Christ, we must be able to give up what means the most to us. OK, maybe my family will be sad when I leave. But the thing is that if I don’t leave… I’m not doing God’s will.

Secondly, I realized where I need healing. Intentions. I’ve realized that intentions make everything either really awesome, or really bad. You could give someone an amazing gift, but if the intentions behind that are sour… the gift, no matter how much it costs, becomes obsolete.

I want to give glory. I love the lyrics in “Inside Out” by Hillsong that say, “And the cry of my heart is to give you praise from the inside out, Lord my soul cries out” because it’s what I want. I want to do everything for the glory of God or else its useless. But my problem is that I don’t. I do things out of selfish intentions that will never get me anywhere. I need healing… I really do.

I’m starting to feel something change inside of me. Being a Christian is full of so much more than reading a bible and going to church every night. It means someone who loves despite failure, inadequacies and selfish desires. I feel renewed and ready to tackle to world.

“See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah 43:19

I sometimes wish that life could be just one big retreat. I wish that I could just live on a campground forever with all of the people whom I love so dearly.

Intervarsity M.E. : I love you all, so much. I wish that everyone could experience how loved I feel by you all and the joy that I experience from sitting in a crowded, hot, sketchy room with you, praying until 4 AM. I know that I can count on you to be there when I need prayer, or to toss a frisbee, or play a nerdy game. We all might feel so broken and messed up inside, but God had redeemed that and turned it into something so good. Don’t stop loving and being faithful.

listen to this song. We sang it a ton this weekend and I love it because it demonstrates the extent of God’s love in  such a beautiful way. I doesn’t downplay God’s love…